Proving Energy – Are You Doing This and Is It Hurting You in Dating or Relationships?

There is a hidden dynamic that could be causing harm in your relationships (be they romantic or friendships). I call this dynamic “proving energy.”

Proving energy is a dynamic where the woman is showing up in the energy of “let me prove to you why I’m worthy” (i.e. assuming you are not already worthy). It’s at root an insecurity. However, it manifests more commonly as plain old trying too hard, boasting, or the dreaded “humble brag.”

Men do this all the time. If you’ve ever been cornered at a cocktail party by a man telling you all about his latest business venture, you know what I mean. When it comes to dating, this dynamic works for men because it’s the “display of feathers” if you will as part of the courtship dance. It’s actually a highly beneficial dating dynamic when the men prove themselves and you as the woman take the time to evaluate their suitability. But now that women are accomplishing so much in their own right, sometimes women step into this “proving energy” and that’s where things can sort of go haywire.

Women do this if they make a specific point to bring up their accomplishments, their intellectual prowess, their worldliness (making a point to reference their varied travels abroad), their career/salary etc. in an energy of trying to impress the other person.

Men do not respond well to women’s proving energy. If anything, they tend to find it boring, possibly emasculating, and probably unattractive. You are much more likely to end up unappreciated, exploited, and/or not treated well if you show up in “proving energy” in the relationship. Why? It puts him in the role traditionally more “feminine” which is receiving and appreciating, which he is likely to resist and rebel against because he never asked for that role.  So more likely than not, he’ll ignore you, fail to appreciate you, mistreat you, ghost you, or otherwise try to get away from your proving energy. (Side note: This is often why high-achieving career women bemoan that men don’t like a “strong woman”… it’s not your strength that he doesn’t care for per se, rather it’s your tendency to try to show up in masculine energy which puts him in the uncomfortable position of being shoved into the more feminine role; thus, he flees or acts badly to have an excuse to get away.)

So instead of feeling the need to trot out your accomplishments, to prove how smart and accomplished you are, etc., just assume that you are enough from the beginning and assume that he knows you are enough from the beginning too. Let him find out all the amazing things about you organically (i.e. if it comes up naturally in conversation). Instead of “casually” mentioning your travels abroad to “prove” how worldly you are, let it come up naturally. Instead of mentioning your recent FancyPants School Alumni function in order to let him know you’re brilliant, let him figure out for himself that you are smart and witty. Instead of laboring all day over a making meal to try to “prove” to the boyfriend what a good wife you would make someday, let him take you out to dinner and stay in the feminine energy of “receiving and appreciating.” (Such as saying,”Thank you, that Italian restaurant you chose for tonight was amazing. The lasagna was delicious!” P.S - The feminine energy of appreciating what he does for you is more likely to make him think of you as wife material anyway than the proving energy of putting together a labor-intensive meal.) Make no effort to actively impress him with Who You Are. Let him figure it out for himself that you are amazing and you will both be better off for it.

- Coach Cori at the Love Academy for Women