Was Biz Markie Right All Along? When Your Man Says Someone is “Just a Friend”

The recent passing of Biz Markie made me think of his hit song “Just a Friend.” In this song, he raps about catching his girlfriend cheating on him with a man who was supposed to be “just a friend.” He covers the whole trajectory of the relationship in his verses, from meeting the woman, dating her, taking it at face value when she mentioned spending time with another man whom she described as a friend, and finally the painful discovery that she was in fact cheating with the man she had described as a "just a friend.”

Has this type of thing ever happened to you?

This may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s been my personal and professional experience as a dating expert that Biz Markie was on to something. What I have seen time and time again in working with clients is that when a woman is dating a man who continually mentions a specific female “friend” of his that he spends a lot of time with one-on-one, it’s a yellow flag. In other words, use caution before proceeding. Often this "friend" turns out to be an ex-girlfriend that he’s still carrying a torch for, a woman that he wishes he could date but who is currently unavailable for dating (for example, perhaps she's dating someone else at the moment and he secretly hopes to date her if they break up), or a woman that he’s keeping warmed up in the bull-pen (like a relief pitcher in baseball) as a back-up option in case the two of you don’t work out. More than one man has told me that heterosexual men don’t tend to invest a lot of time in friendship with women unless they are attracted to them and hope that one day it could lead to more. Your mileage may vary, but I found this it be true 100% of the time in my own experience.

I think the yellow flag turns into a red flag when your man mentions the same female friend to you again and again, and you get that twisting feeling in your gut every time her name is brought up. When in doubt, trust your gut.

At the end of the day, go with your intuition. The right man will make you feel comfortable. If a man you are seeing is saying or doing things that make your gut churn, he is not the one. No matter how handsome or charming, he is not the one. You want the man who prioritizes making you feel comfortable and prioritizes his focus and attention on you when you’re together, rather than spending his time with you talking about a female “friend” when you’re together to the point of making you uncomfortable.

 - “Coach Cori” McGraw at the Love Academy for Women