"You're so hot from head to toe. Except for the shoes"

“You’re so hot from head to toe. Except for the shoes.”

These words were uttered by a man I went on a first date with in college.  

He certainly wasn’t going to earn a second date with me with a comment like that.

We never proceed with a man who makes a dig or unkind remark towards us. It can be a toxic system known as “neg-ing” designed to try to intentionally put a woman off-balance (especially one he thinks might be out of his league a bit) with the zinger of negative remark gloved in a compliment. (You know this in its female “friendship” version as the back-handed compliment). It’s a tactic utilized by some player types to get the upper hand and make the woman feel insecure. You’ll recognize it by the yucky feeling it leaves in your stomach.  (There is actually a book that teaches men this tactic. I just want you to be aware of the tactic in case you run into this behavior. Read my blog post on April 21, 2021 for more info on neg-ing.)

This is an example of what we call a “next-able” offense (i.e., the kind of thing that makes us mentally say “Next!” as we audition suitors for the role of leading man in our life).

We want a man who makes us feel comfortable.

Was this guy a jerk to insult my shoes? Yes, he was. Did I snap back at him? No. There’s no need to respond to rudeness with more rudeness.  

So how do we handle this? I just said in a leisurely manner, “Oh, I love these shoes,” as I absentmindedly glanced around the room (i.e. not paying a lot of attention to him and his remark... when a man acts badly it’s more powerful to REMOVE YOUR ATTENTION FROM HIM than to verbally snap back; remember that even negative attention "rewards" bad behavior). I changed the subject, maintained my composure through the rest of the date, and then (most importantly) declined his offer of a second date. (We don’t go out with any man a second time who says something rude to us, even if it’s gloved in a compliment). If we wanted to deal with back-handed compliments like that we could go back to junior high and deal with the mean-girls dynamic, am I right?)  NEXT!

(Homework: Watch HBO’s Silicon Valley show, Season 2, Episode 1 entitled Sand Hill Shuffle for a playful look at what happens when the Pied Piper team attempts to use the dating concept of "neg-ing" in context of business negotiations… the "neg-ing" concept is widespread enough to be spoofed in a comedic HBO series. Watching this episode will help you practice identifying it from the comfort of your couch).

Share this post with your single friends so we can make sure every woman knows how to recognize this bad behavior and how to disengage from it.

- Coach Cori at the Love Academy for Women

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